My late teens weren’t easy, between the ages of 17 and 19 I totaled a car and beat two different types of cancer. Over that time my body was cut opened, poked with needles, injected with chemo, and forced to live with foreign objects. It experienced its share of trauma. I’m starting to think that trauma is the reason I no longer feel I’m living in my body. I left to escape the physical pain and never returned.
I told my therapist while waving my hand above my head, “I don’t feel like I’m in my body, I’m living out here.”
The reason I brought it into our session was because I questioned how I’m suppose to initiate sex solely on “feeling” the urge when I’m not connected to my body enough to know when I have the urge?
Feeling as though I’m not in my body is a constant struggle. It makes enjoying sex difficult. If I’m not attuned to the sensation of my husband’s hand on my thigh how can I know if I like it?
The hardest part of believing I’m living outside of my body is the expectation of coming back to it. I picture the arrival as a comet dropping to earth. My therapist pointed out the pressure of that expectation masks all the ways I’m currently living in my body. Her line was perfect, “if you weren’t in your body, you wouldn’t be able to walk or move right now.”
That sentence shifted my focus from coming into my body to being more aware of my body, which seems less of a challenge. So, I’m off on a mission to check in with my body several times daily. By asking how my feet, back, hands, etc. feel I’m getting into the habit of being present physically. I started doing this and it’s amazing how often I shift positions after because I realized a part of me was asleep or uncomfortable. Apparently, after doing this for a while it will become natural.
As for the sex part my therapist suggested what my girlfriends recently called kegel exercises. By contracting the muscles I’d use to hold back urine, I can consciously connect with my sex organs. WebMD says, “kegel exercises are easy to do and can be done anywhere without anyone knowing”. Just think of all the places I can connect with my lady parts. My therapist did note it might be beneficial to contract those muscles when I’m “excited” and when I’m not, just to start familiarize myself with changes that occur when I’m aroused.
Unleashing The Inner Sex Goddess 