Paralyzed in Fear and Defeat

My therapist calls it sexual abuse; I call it the start.

I was waiting in the hallway of my middle school dressed in our gym uniform – navy blue mesh shorts and a red t-shirt.  Another 6^th grader who I had a crush on joined shortly after.  I don’t remember why it was just he and I, but within what felt like seconds he swept me off my feet from behind and pulled me into the boy’s bathroom.

He dragged me through the door until his back was against the white tiled wall.  I tried twisting out of his grip but his arms were tightly wrapped around my body squeezing my breasts.  After pulling at his wrists that wouldn’t budge I became paralyzed in fear and defeat.  A scream in my throat bobbed like a buoy, begging to come out.  I wanted to yell – help, stop, get off, but I couldn’t say a word.  I had never served a detention so my greatest worry was being sentenced one for being in the guy’s room.

After awhile one of his hands moved down the outside of my shirt and onto the crotch of my shorts, he continued groping.  I closed my eyes, praying for it to stop. I can’t remember how I finally got away but I do recall feeling used, violated and guilty.  I kept the incident a secret and blamed myself because after all I had a crush on the guy.

Several months ago my husband playfully grabbed me in a similar way to my previous classmate and set off a trigger.  My body grew in rage and anger.  I felt suffocated, unsafe, and petrified.  I quickly forced myself out of my husband’s arms to catch my breath.

To this day I still can’t call the incident sexual abuse.  Those words remind me of horrible childhood molestation and rape stories I’ve heard.  I don’t consider my situation anywhere on the same scale.  The problem with this value system is I’m not validating my feelings, I’m denying them.  Clearly given my recent experience with my husband my old way isn’t working.  So, I’m off to find a way to heal this wound once and for all.